


Simply Not That Simple

by Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings



Category: The X-Files
Genre: AU, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, At least for me it does, F/M, Haunted me till I wrote it, Hopefully this is good, Hurt/Comfort, I CRIED LIKE 4 TIMES, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I love the both of them so much, I'm sorry this hurts so much, Romance, Then Ao3 was running so slow I couldn't post it, from 4 am to 7 am, it demanded to be written, seriously, this hurt me so much to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 13:09:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10697679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings/pseuds/Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings
Summary: AU in which Scully leaves Mulder. She loves him but she's looking for something. She sets off to find it. Will she succeed? Will she find that maybe it's been in front of her this whole time?





	Simply Not That Simple

She wanted to leave him. It was just that simple. She wanted to be away from him and everything that followed him, haunted him, plagued him. These weren't the things that bothered her though. It was just a lack. He lacked and she needed. 

It was just that simple.

He begged her to stay. He asked so many times what he did wrong, what could he do to make her change her mind, anything Scully just name it but _please, for the love of God, stay_.

She never told him what he did wrong.

It wasn't that simple.

He was like a complex, sticky tangle of truths, lies, faith, refusal, rebellion, paradox, emotions, passion and emptiness, a familiar mystery.

Despite all his rough edges and imperfections he loved her with everything in her. Where was the wrongness in any of that? It wasn't that simple for her to answer.

Her best way of describing it was that he was like the ocean but she needed solid ground.

Oh how he tried to calm his waves and solidify himself to be the earth she craved. He denied his very nature to be what she needed.

It made leaving him so much harder.

She loved him. She told him at every chance she could that she loved him. For every time in the day she told him, he said it twice. It was not because of a lack of love she left him.

But love was not what she needed.

What did she need? It wasn't that simple. One thing that was simple though. No matter how much he worked for it, he could not provide it for her. He wanted to more than anything.

It was unfair to him to have to work without knowing what for. She wished she knew what it was herself. She would have told him had she known. She would have done anything to help him. To help herself stay. 

She _wanted_ to stay. But she _needed_ to leave.

Despite her love for him, despite everything they've been through, she needed to leave. She needed to find something. If only she knew what the hell it was.

He stopped asking her to stay several days before she left. She didn't have the day she would be gone planned exactly but it seemed to be present in the air. The air thickening as her readiness for final departure nearing.

_"The time is coming," said the skull to the fox. "To be thinking of other things. Of shoes and shipwrecks. Of cabbages and kings."_

He stopped fighting and it hurt. He stopped saying he loved her. Leaving poems, sonnets, letters, songs, quotes, notes, something original from his own heart, something quoted from the Bible, from Shakespeare, from Cyndi Lauper, from wise men and women long ago. He stopped kissing her. He didn't hug her or hold her. He didn't dance with her. He didn't sleep next to her. He hardly even spoke to her anymore because the threat of the words turning into begging for her to stay again was always present.

The one thing he did not stop doing was holding her hand. He locked his fingers in with hers and hold tightly. Even when she tried to pull away he kept his grip firmly for just a few seconds but would reluctantly let them go. _I still have you. I am still here. I will always hold on to you if you will let me. If you won't let me, I'll be nearby. Ready to catch you._

She didn't want him to stop but she needed him to. It made it easier for her to leave if she could pretend this was mutual and not murder. Her ripping his heart out and with his last breath still telling him he loved her. Her leaving his dead but alive body, his broken but functioning heart beating on the floor of this unremarkable house.

She tried to leave at 5 am. She had her small bag, single bag packed. She was traveling light and with only what was necessary and absolutely no reminders of Fox Mulder and of the days of being Scully. This meant new clothes she bought entirely with the intent of not wearing until after she left. A new cell phone with a new number was coming. Her empty new wallet, well except for the cash she withdrew. But otherwise empty, void of her ID, her now canceled debit card and credit card and any other card from her wallet that could be left behind remained with her old wallet. She had what she needed to acquire a new driver's license. Her keychain and every key on it stayed. Her golden cross necklace stayed. The small pack was hardly a few pounds heavy. How fitting as how all humans start their lives the same way.

She snuck past him as softly as she could not to avoid detection but to spare him. Ok, technically to avoid detection then. But not for her sake. The cold air of early morning October greeted her. Asking her where was she going at this hour? She did not know how to answer. It just wasn't that simple. She turned to watch him, asleep on the couch as she would the door but he was there as she turned around. She gasped and stepped back slightly, not expecting him to be awake.

His eyes were trying so hard to hold the strength she needed him to have. Oh how he was trying, though the enemies were at the gate, pressing forward with their assault, ready to rush down his face. He looked at her but did not speak for several long moments. She felt guilty for not waking him but watching the pain in his eyes reminded her why she didn't and wished he hadn't woken up. Finally he slowly reached for her face with both his hands and gently cusped it. He brought his lips to hers for a small, gentle kiss. While it was only a few seconds, it burned like eternity in hell for both of them. His lips and hands, his eyes and painful breaths all screaming. _Please. Please stay._

It hurt to look in his eyes but out of respect, she did.

"Goodbye Mulder."

"Goodbye Scully."

Her turn away from him was slow and her decent down the stairs and into the car took years though she needed speed but no matter her will, her body moved on it's own time. She started the car. She drove away. She didn't look back. She knew he was standing there. Watching her leave.

She _wanted_ to turn around. Beg him to forgive her. (He would.) To work things out. She _needed_ to keep her eyes on the road. Her hands on the wheel. Her foot on the gas. Her distance between herself and Fox Mulder as much as she could make it be.

And only when she had driven for 3 hours straight and finally pulled into a small gas station to refill did she cry. Cry long and cry hard for the wound was fresh and open, bleeding in her hurting heart. She was asked if she was alright, if she was hurt or in trouble. She told them no. She lied about having lost her father recently which was why she was crying.

She wished it was just that simple.

They gave her a free coffee and some snacks and she headed west. Towards California. Maybe she'd go there. Maybe Arizona. Maybe Washington. It didn't matter where as long as she got there.

 

* * *

 

**10 Years Later**

  
45 birthdays she has lived to see. He's seen 48, she knows. She bites the urge every birthday and holiday to call him like an old friend. Ask him how he is and small talk for a while. Promise to be in contact more often only to get swept up in life and not do so.

She's in D.C. She drifts from place to place every few years but D.C. was not where she wanted to be. She was here for her mother's funeral. She promised for years she would come visit Margaret in D.C. The very thought of the place made her heart beat irregularly and she ached all over. She never fulfilled those promises. She hated herself for it. Her mother deserved better.

With promises of being in a better place, peace and rest and God bless her soul, Margaret Scully was laid to rest. Friends of hers came. Bill, Tara, and little Michael who wasn't so little anymore were there. Melissa should have been but you know, death got in the way. Charlie should have been here but no. It was then that Scully realized another person present at the funeral and her stomach knotted. Mulder was there. Bill knew. He nodded. Said that mother and Mulder spent a lot of time talking together after she left. She wanted an invitation extended to Mulder when she passed. Bill had no strength to fuss or protest. He simply let it be. Scully had no idea. Her eyes locked onto his and she saw that same look she saw the night she left. He held his gaze into her, willing his strength to not fail him now. Be strong for her.

He wants to cry, to beg her to come home, _please it's been so long and I am so incomplete without you. I've tried so hard to carry on and be strong but I can't do it any longer._  He needs to hold himself together.

She walks over to him and they talk. He tells her about getting closer to her mom after...after she left. She asked him to call her mom and he was happy to do so. She really did feel like a mother's love should be, not what he knew to be. Despite her sadness, she spoke to him and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

It was just that simple.

He held back so much. For her sake. He held back his tears and feelings from the past 10 years. She could feel it. She appreciated his efforts. Her heart ached in the same way.

She asks to come over for coffee or food or anything this evening since she'll be in town for the rest of the evening. She wasn't even sure why she asked. It seemed inappropriate of her to ask it of him after she left him like she did.

"Mi casa, su casa," he tells her instantly. It was polite but in her heart it struck her deeper. He gives her the address and her heart skips a beat. The one that has burned in her memory for all these years. The address of the unremarkable house. She pulls up to it. It still looks the same. She goes inside. Nervously. He opens the door for her. Most everything still looks the same. The same couch. The same rug. The same coffee table. The kitchen looks a little newer. Not entirely remodeled but a few appliance changes and the walls were a light blue color. You can have the bedroom, he tells her. She braces herself and walks in.

The bed is still the same although it's made for once. The same pillows and pillow cases. The same blankets and sheets. The dresser and wallpaper are still the same. The photographs of them on the dresser are dust free. Against her logical argument she checks the closet. Her things still there. They were pushed together so his suits fit in but nothing was taken down or moved. The same for the drawers of the dresser.

"Ready for you if you came back," his voice from the doorway startles her as she stands up after pushing in the drawers. "Like a reservation. This space dedicated for Dana Scully. No other admittance allowed." His eyes go to the bed. "Sometimes I do sleep in it. Nights when I miss you the most. I pretend you're only away but you'll be back. I always wake up on your side, hugging at least one pillow."

Logic argues with her but she doesn't listen. She walks over to Mulder and kisses him. Again and again. She's wrapped her arms around his neck and his around her waist and he kisses her feverishly. Communicating desperately his love. She tugs him towards the bed and he can't help but obey her. He's like a child servant in medieval times. A servant boy hopelessly in love with his Queen whom he serves in every way he can. _As you wish, I love you. As you wish, I love you._

She has him exposed to her and she follows. It doesn't slip her notice that he wears her gold cross She has the reigns here and her wish is to touch him which he obeys wordlessly. He's kissing her and she's kissing him. Their skins are hot and sweaty to the touch. Their hands all over each other. Their hips collide like crashing waves and his tears fall like rain. She tries to pretend it's only sweat. She doesn't speak for she doesn't have the words to say. His every touch with every inch of his skin sends her messages of love, a forever love, a no matter what love, though her skin and straight into her heart. He moans her name and his love for her every so often. He doesn't hold back in calling her name at his climax. She finds herself calling his at her own. He's kissing her deeply again and she states to pull back and think on what to say and do.

It wasn't that simple but it felt like it was getting easier.

She _wants_ to stay.

He looks at her eyes and tears still drop. He begs her to stay. " _Please...these past 10 years...they've felt so wrong without you. You are my best friend. You're the love of my life. It hurts to not have you here..."_

She _needs_ to know something.

"Why did you stop fighting for me?" she can barely whisper.

"Since when does Dana Scully ever do something she doesn't want to do?"

That was true. She was not one to let herself be pushed around and let others force their will upon her. It made her heart ache to realize he knew that and had to accept it. Otherwise she might have grown to hate him like she did everyone else who forced their will on her. She wonders if she could have really hated him. She suspects that she might have been capable of it at one point. That likely would have actually ended his life if things had gone that way. The war he must have fought with himself over this overwhelmed her in the brief moment in which she tried to fathom it through his eyes. His eyes lock back into hers.

He _needs_ her to stay.

He _wants_ to know something.

"What were you looking for? Did you find it?"

She thinks quickly over the past 10 years, the different jobs and places, names and faces, every change and every experience. She'd like to think she had. But she would be lying. That unsteady feeling of needing something else was always present in these past 10 years. She looks in his eyes and his love for her has not wavered one bit. That unsteady feeling, she realizes, she hasn't felt it since she met his eyes at the church. Logic tries to argue that the feeling will return.That she'll want to leave and this time it will be worse for the both of them. Love tells her she has what she needs. The feeling won't return. She feels the weight of words he once told her. "My constant. My touchstone." It felt like for once she truly could feel the meaning of those words. Before it was an understanding but textbook knowledge and hands on knowledge were different experiences. Life sure enjoyed teaching her that one.

He was an ocean and she needed solid ground she once said. Somehow he found a way to be both. And to change from one to the next as needed. She wondered if he had always been able to but she was oblivious to it.

Damnit. Why had she needed something that she didn't even know what it was? Why had she wasted the past 10 years being apart from everyone she loves? From him? Tears fell down her face. He caressed them away.

"No. But it's gone now. Whatever it was Mulder...I don't need it."

They _want_ to stay together.

They _need_ to stay together.

His fingers lock into hers. It was still as loving and comfortable as before. It felt like she was being completed. He asks her what does she want. She kisses him. "I want you. I need you," she admits with such ease. The truth set her free.

It was just that simple.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this.
> 
> The idea for this came in a flood at 4 am and I just started writing it right away and more ideas just followed. If you read my ridiculous tags you probably already know this, lol. 
> 
> Anyway, Scully's behavior is based on just behavior I read about in some books long ago that I don't quite remember the whole story but there was just this mystery of needing something, what is this something? And some of the characters found it and others didn't. I could just see it happening to Scully for some reason so yeah this happened. My poor husband and wife, why did I do this to them?
> 
> Anyone who caught my sudden kinda weirdly genius The Princess Bride and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass book references, kudos to you. They suddenly showed up while writing this and it felt appropriate to let them be in the story.
> 
> Anyway...yeah thank you again for reading. I am pretty happy with thus all and all even though it is such an angsty piece. I appreciate kudos and feedback it helps my future writings. :) Have a great day.


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